January 21, 2009

*Warning ~ nothing fun here. You may wish to come back another day when there is a lovely picture posted, or some hilarious story about how a goat got hold of my shoe on my way to take the 2010 Census application test. However, if you feel like an ugly dose of reality, possibly a little conviction from God's Word, or just an unpleasant glimpse into my current psyche then stick around*

Goodness. How have I had no new post in 5 days? Well, there is the usual - I have been busy....
all my usual life stuff which sometimes keeps me from sitting down to post. But truth be told there is another thing that has been on my mind. Well, on my mind is putting it lightly - rotting away the core of my being might be closer to accurate. I haven't shared thus far for several reasons....

• It's a sensitive topic and I haven't really figured out how to give enough information that you would understand what was going on without sharing things that people I care about would not want me to share about at this time.
• It's really ugly and shameful (and therefore, makes me want to hide it)
• I have still not handed it over to God without taking it right back and growing it exponentially(is that the right word?)
• And uh, it's not funny or cute.

I guess what I am saying is that this is ~ or ~ I am, a work in progress and so I will share where I am at in the progress, or lack there of, and try to move on.

Let's call my problem, "A thorn in my side". Hm, not it. "A rosebush that keeps whacking me with its thorns in my side". Nope, not quite. "A rosebush with the most poisonous and rampantly destructive thorns ever known to mankind with roots that have been growing down for nearly 15 years that keeps whacking me and the people I love in my side and then says, 'I have done nothing wrong ~ rosebushes will be rosebushes after all.'"

Melodramatic? Mmhm. I have been trying to prune said rosebush, prayed over and for said rosebush, begged for deliverance from said rosebush, licked the many wounds from said rosebush, praised God in the midst of being entwined with said rosebush, pleaded with said rosebush to be more careful ~ only to have it right back there with one of its branches coming loose from its ties to stab me in my eye causing it to bleed, swell, and painfully itch.

Currently, I do believe that the rosebush has done the biggest damage ever and I am finding myself unwilling to let go of the malice I now hold for it. In the most graphic and unpleasant truth, I want to take an axe and ruthlessly remove every limb of the bush and then dig its roots completely out and throw the whole mess into the burn pit so that it can never-more cause one more poisonous stab to myself or to the ones whom I love.

I am here to tell you that this is wrong. I know it is wrong. I am in regular need of forgiveness and here I sit, unwilling to give it. I know that it does not matter how many times I have been stabbed by the bush, I am to forgive. I know that as much as I have thought murder in my mind, I have done it. I know that the rosebush is an intentional and beloved creation of God, and I should be (and am) ashamed of wanting to see its destruction, rather than its fertilized, well-tended, restoration to beauty.

Just when I think I am making progress, preparing to ask God to forgive me for my black heart and remove the sin from me, that stinking rosebush pokes me again. It just.will.not.stop.

I am sure you have heard referenced the verse in Ephesians that some translations translate as, "Do not give seat to the devil". I've been pondering this in recent days with a more personal realization than ever before. I am not just giving some random seat to the devil, I have outright invited him to sit at my table and be in my company all the live long day. How gross is that? Yet, here I sit before you, still not repenting. It is not okay. I know.